This is Fantasy Phineball. If you’re NEW here, thanks for subscribing! Welcome to Fantasy Football’s most elite and anecdotal newsletter which sometimes covers football. The intro to this series can be found here.
Football lovers are likely well aware, but for my dear readers who know close to nothing about the sport (like me, three months ago), the big news of Week 12 was this: Christian McCaffrey is out for the rest of season.
Back in September I thought luck was on my side when I got THE number one draft pick on my team. Then, several games into the season he suffered a hamstring injury. After five long weeks off, he was deemed healthy enough to make a comeback. Perhaps this was too soon though, because after two and a half games he got injured AGAIN (this time with an unspecified ankle injury). Now he is definitively out until 2022.
To capture my disappointment on hearing the news: it was like making a perfect carbonara and realizing you don’t have a lactase pill, so you’ll suffer from intense flatulence as a result. Actually no - not enough melodrama. Maybe it was like being in high school and getting with THE hottest jock, only to find out in that fateful first embrace that he’s actually a terrible kisser. Or, perhaps even, like plotting to marry a Duke as a teenager, finally achieving your goal fifteen years later, then recognizing the marriage, and thus your life dream, is actually unfulfilling and dull. Maybe that last one is a bit much; may the Duchess of Marlborough rest in peace.
I took a break from writing this to run errands and was listening to Red (Taylor’s Version) in the car, as I often do these days. While singing along I realized that Taylor Swift had captured and verbalized the essence of my disappointment with precision.
Drafting Christian McCaffrey was like “driving a new Maserati down a dead end street. Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ENDING SO SUDDENLY.”
Sending healing vibes to Mr. McCaffrey. CMC you next year, man.
In better news: TEAM MÉNAJEE TROIS WAS VICTORIOUS LAST WEEK.
Not only did we win our game, but we accrued the most points of any team in the league:
And we moved up from 8th in the league to 6th, meaning we actually have a shot at making it to playoffs.
I think Ted Lasso and his “Believe” sign gave me good luck. Or maybe it was listening to the song “Believe” by Cher my usual average of eight times per week? Whatever it was I’m over the moon, and hope to win the next two games for a shot at the playoffs. Wish us luck!
This is Friday Feels from Feeling Phine.
The holidays are fun, but weird. I’ll let the seasonally inspired poetry speak for itself. Ladies and gentlemen, my haikus:
Jingle Bells, Jingle HELL. Christmas music tortures My ears at the mall
Husbands buying gifts Wives will return or exchange. It’s the thought that counts.
Eggnog is tasty People who dare say it's gross Might be the devil
Perfect winter lights Handsome man in a bright scarf Hallmark makes me barf
Stocking stuffers are Kind of stupid. Don't be a Consumerist sheep.
Mariah Carey Is the mascot of Christmas. There’s no greater sleigh.
Single is okay At Christmas time, for I’m not Horny when it’s cold
I hope it’s warm wherever you are, so that the inspired tears trickling down your cheeks aren't at risk of icing over.
x Joséphine
PS: If you have some free time today, feel free to write and send your own haikus my way. OR, if you’re feeling bold, why not leave one in the comments?!
Love your Haiku!
You know that we’re old,
when Christmas becomes just a
constant hungover blur.