Hi there,
Welcome to my new adventure, as I delve deep into the Straight Man Cinematic Universe. I've decided to face the music and finally learn about a subject towards which I’ve only previously held great apathy:
SPORTS!
and more specifically:
American football!
Let’s start with a team huddle. And by a team huddle I mean a space in which I can talk about myself. About me: from a young age I was conscious that I lacked hand-eye coordination, and therefore never felt inclined to participate in sports requiring such skills. Not to say I couldn’t play a mean game of H.O.R.S.E., but this was the only sort of activity involving a ball where I could camouflage my lack of skill with theatrics. I had a little bit of exposure to sports in high school as I attended my fair share of football and baseball games, but to be clear, this was only for the social aspect, and of course to check out the cuties.
My French mother generally raised us with little to no mention of sports, aside from every summer when we would tune in for the Tour de France. Every fourth summer we’d watch the World Cup and cheer for les bleus, which is actually an unspoken requirement to maintain French citizenship. Liberté, egalité, football pendant l'été.
In the US my only exposure to professional sports came from my dad, who we would see every other weekend. He loved watching the Lakers games with my uncles. Their ritual went like this: they’d turn on the tv, then would sit on the couch with their upper bodies leaning towards the screen, as if their heads were magnetized. Like clockwork, the cheering, shouting, jumping, and yowling would begin. At a young age I decided this alarming and barbaric pastime wasn’t for me, and would politely excuse myself every time there was a game.
This aversion towards tv sports continued throughout my teens and twenties. I would never pretend to enjoy watching in order to impress my friends, or a dude (save for ONE rugby match I watched in Vietnam. Deep infatuation makes you do fucked up things). Generally, if I ever found myself hanging with someone who started watching “the game”, I would find a way to gracefully remove myself from said hangout. If escape tactics weren't possible, I zoned out and would nod / smile / gasp at the right moments until it was over. Coincidentally, or not, this is very similar to my response to Boring Sex. I digress!
I had a slight change of heart this past summer in France while watching the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. These confusingly took place in 2021, but were famously still labelled 2020. I guess they'd already printed too much merch?? Anyway, Maman and I watched the explosive volleyball finale: France v. Russia. The athleticism exhibited was mega impressive, and as the game was neck in neck, I even found myself (would you believe it) getting emotionally invested in the outcome. How could one not though? Have you SEEN the French team? Bonjour, gold medal babes!
Cut to: back in California. Slightly depressed and cheese deprived, I was a sitting duck when I was roped into the football of it all; my best friend invited me to join her all female fantasy league. I said yes, on the basis of (1) curiosity and (2) securing invites over to her house for snacks on Sunday afternoons.
After a moment of reflection I also realized that (3) tapping into the greatest American pastime for at least ONE season might provide a sense of community, a key pillar in a happy life which was much lacking this past year. And if all of the above was a dud then at least (4) her friend who we all have a girl crush on (let us call her, TheHottestGirl) would be joining the same Lady League. Perhaps I could absorb some of her Secrets To Being So Hot through digital proximity in the group message. LET’S GOOOOO, SPORTS!
I would like to preface this experience by openly admitting I am an ignoramus. Let’s review my current breadth of knowledge on the subject matter at hand.
What I Know About American Football (So Far)
NFL stands for National Football League
Aaron Rodgers used to be with Olivia Munn but is now engaged to Shailene Woodley. He is a quarterback.
Quarterbacks are paid a lot of money.
Speaking of Quarterbacks, Tom Brady is one. He is married to Gisele Bündchen. He has won many Super Bowl titles. A record breaking amount, I’d dare to say...?
The Super Bowl is the culmination of the NFL season. There is a halftime show. THIS IS WHERE MY NFL KNOWLEDGE SHINES! J-Lo and Shakira’s booty shaking performance… Prince shredding his guitar during a very unplanned, extremely cinematic, downpour… JT “accidentally” ripping Janet’s top during their duet, unleashing her nipple for the world to see! Ok back to sports
There was a new stadium built in LA and apparently we have a team now
The Eagles (Also my favorite dad rock band)
Dallas Cowboys (America's team, supposedly. Yeah, I’ve seen Silver Linings Playbook.)
NY Jets (My friend's dad supports them. God bless Mr. Gross.)
Pittsburgh Steelers (One of my high school crushes had their sticker on his truck.)
Denver Broncos (They lost The Super Bowl in 2014. I remember this because my flatmate, a diehard fan, was in a foul mood the week following their defeat.)
Oakland Raiders
Chargers?
Now I’m just naming teams I’ve heard of and this is embarrassing so I’m going to stop
Alright well, I suppose it’s time to go start learning.
I’ll be back next week to talk about Draft Day and hopefully brag about some major dubs1.
x Joséphine
(‘Dubs’ is short for W which indicates ‘win.’ My gen Z friend taught me this. See, I’m learning stuff already.)
My favorite post so far as well, made me literally lol
next to 'do me' my fav so far