This is part four of the Fantasy Phineball series from Feeling Phine. ICYMI, last week’s post is right here. The intro to this series can be found here. Thanks for reading! x
It took me a long time to put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard?) today because **grab a tissue box** Team Phine suffered another L. It’s week four of the season and I’m realizing it’s simply not as fun to write about this when I’m losing. Does this mean I… care? Yes, I think it does, which is the silver lining to my morose mood.
In all honesty it took a Brené Brown Netflix special, several handfuls of chocolate, and one emotional Moana sing along in order to get myself motivated. Finally, I’ve concluded that I MAY BE A LOSER but I’m definitely NOT A QUITTER. HERE I AM. LET’S PARTY! Without further ado, the recap:
Thursday
None of my players were scheduled in Thursday night’s game so I was in the clear, happy as a clam, brainstorming my gushy Friday Feels post.
Friday
Football did not cross my mind at all. I was occupied dealing with a hangover I’d acquired as the result of one mediocre Thursday night margarita. Breaking news: getting older blows.
Saturday
It was time to get my, get my, get my head in the game. Sunday was nearly upon us so I checked my lineup. My boys were looking healthy and good.
I noticed then that one of my opponent’s Wide Receivers was OUT. This could have led to an easy win. However, my conscience (buzzkill, hate her) told me that in the spirit of good sportswomanship, I should give my lovely opponent a heads up. I texted Ree and flagged her injured WR with her to see if she could swap him out. She thanked me for reminding her and gave Mr. Julio the boot.
Sunday
I had a fried chicken and football date with my friend, her husband, and their kids but, similarly to Ree’s Wide Receiver, they were unexpectedly OUT. In their case, rather than leg injuries, they suffered from ear infections and sore throats. (Get well soon babes!)
Maman (my mother) dutifully swooped in as a last minute brunch buddy, and then, a happy coincidence presented itself at the café: the Packers vs Steelers game was on. Maman and I both became engrossed in the game as we awaited our food.
Without breaking her gaze from the screen, Maman suddenly piped up in her tinged French accent: “I cannot believe you’re writing about zis.”
“Me neither.”
“It is so weird.”
“I know.”
“I ‘ave no idea what you’re talking about whenever I read it.”
“I’m… not surprised.”
After a pause, she added “They [the players] don’t even move forward, there’s no running.”
I tried to explain to her that when someone DOES get the ball and DOES run with it, dodging all the defense, it’s very exciting. At that point Aaron Rodgers threw the ball wide - and overshot his teammate by about three feet. “See!” she continued her critique. “That throw was too beeg. What is zis?”
Our first (and likely last) conversation about football ended with one of her anecdotes: “A few times, I went to ze parties. Where there are the two big teams. You know? And zere’s music….” she trailed off.
“Maman, do you mean the Super Bowl?”
“Yes, zat one. I went to a few of zese parties when I was young.”
Monday
Following Sunday’s games, Ree and I were extremely close - the winner would be determined by the outcome of the Chargers vs Raiders match that night. My guy Darren Waller was playing. He famously excelled during week 1 and led our team to victory. Another positive attribute about Darren is that he’s “soft on ze eyes” as Maman would say. Ree had Chargers defense on her team, so their performance had a stake in the outcome as well.
Also exciting: my godfather was attending the game at SoFi stadium, so I felt like I had a sort of ~connection~ to the ongoing events as he was texting me live updates on the atmosphere.
I didn’t have a watch date arrangement, so for the first time ever I watched the game on my own. I’m pleased to report that I learned a surprising amount about football by simply listening to the commentators and paying attention to the instant replays. Without wine, loud crunchy snacks, or a companion to gossip with, I was distraction-free and truly able to immerse myself.
I even took a few Notes from The Game:
I learned the Chargers are now in LA instead of San Diego. My godfather politely corrected me when I had asked him about the Rams game. Woops. Anyway, TWO LA teams?! That seems a bit greedy of LA, no?
Kickoff was delayed by a half hour due to a storm. I found it somewhat poetic that the Chargers game was precluded by actual lightning. (Their logo is a lightning bolt.)
Justin Herbert is the Quarterback of the Chargers. The commentators were obsessed with this guy, and kept highlighting how intelligent a player he is. A fresh-faced 23 year old, Herbert looks like a kid who would have sat behind me during a general ed class in college. Once in a while he might have piped up with an illuminating observation, exhibiting the brain to balance his obvious brawn. I’d remain silently smitten with him all quarter.
There are a LOT of Raiders fans in LA. I was surprised by this. Raider Nation vibes are strong in NorCal, which I’d witnessed first hand while visiting my dad in Oakland. I hadn’t realized the fandom stretched all the way down here. Apparently there were more Raiders fans at the game than Chargers fans.
Per the commentators, apparently the Raiders used to be an LA team too. Turns out that LA, a city I’d always perceived as very football-less, is actually incredibly thirsty for NFL teams. Two new teams AND still yearning for an ex? Not a good look, Los Angeles.
The Raiders’ Quarterback resembles a sexy pirate. Is being hot a requirement to be a QB in the NFL? Do they send headshots before tryouts? Also - this guy definitely IS wearing eyeliner, right?
This is wildly embarrassing to admit, but part of being a hard-hitting journalist and honest writer is shedding light upon the truth - no matter the cost. Which, in this case, is looking dumb as hell. Because: I only realized this week that the Defense and Offense are two separate teams…. who switch out….…. throughout the game….….….
I. know. I found out via this surprisingly informative BBC article, courtesy of my friend (and legendary Editor) Kelly. This article pushed me into the Enlightenment era of my Fantasy experience; suddenly so much made sense. I’d spent the first half of the game searching for my guy D Waller and barely saw him. Turns out babe (part of the Offensive team) was on the bench nearly the whole time.When babe wasn’t on the bench he was scoring a TOUCHDOWN! YESSSS
Apparently players can get a penalty for “unsportsmanlike conduct”. I knew this could happen in football football (aka SOCCER) ever since the iconic headbutt that lost France the World Cup in 2008. I didn’t know that these penalties were a possibility in squeaky clean American football, however Bosa’s comments that the refs were “blind” showed me otherwise.
Ultimately my guy Darren did well, but not well enough to get us the win. Womp womp. In the wake of another loss, I thought back to my overzealous self on Saturday, going out of my way to inform my competitor that her lineup was askew. What a FOOL I was! As I regularly do in trying times, I turned to Cher for comfort:
This self-flagellation is only in jest. I really don’t regret being kind, because if I hadn’t flagged Ree’s faulty lineup, and had come out as winner, it would not have been a true victory. When I win, I want to win fair and square. That being said, next week I’m out for blood.
You heard it here first: Team It’s Brady B*tch is 2-2 in the Lady Turnips League and looks forward to imminent victory next week.
Thank you once again, dear reader, for joining me on this adventure.
x Joséphine