This is Friday Feels from Feeling Phine. The last post in this series can be found right here. Thanks for reading! x
Hello, you. Hope you’ve been well!
I’m here today to talk about a recurring foe in my life.
The name of this enemy is NOISE. There is simply too much of it, and far too many entities disturbing the peace. In no particular order, the offending parties:
W*stfield C*ntury City Mall
To the individual who creates playlists for the mall:
I’m not going to dance around the topic: I’m not exactly sure how you procured this employment. You play THE shittiest, most irrelevant pop songs from the years 2008 - 2022.
At first, I thought I was overly sensitive towards the noise. I’m an individual who values quiet and peace. If I were given the chance to rule over this shopping fortress, my first ordinance would ensure that we, the shoppers and employees of the mall, enjoy the sound of silence as we spend money and work in beautiful Century City.
However, psychological studies have shown that experiencing increased decibel levels causes humans to make more impulsive decisions; the sound goes up, the credit cards swipe. Thus, for commercial purposes, I understand the integral role that music plays.
Perhaps YOU don’t have control over the level of the noise — but surely you’re aware of it? So if something MUST blast into our ears, and rattle around our brains, perhaps you could spare our psyches, and make the song selection slightly more enjoyable?
After careful (and unwilling) analysis of the playlist, I’ve concluded that you have selected songs in line with the following criteria:
Must have fallen squarely between places 30 and 99 on the charts at any given time during its release cycle.
The artist must showcase a misfired attempt at “belting,” which is, at best, an annoying bellow. The grander the wail, the likelier the inclusion on the playlist.
A repetitive and uninventive chorus is of utmost importance.
Bonus points if the listener contemplates running back to their car by the time the bridge rolls around.
I’m not saying you have to copy and paste KIIS FM’s “Top 9 at 9”. Relevance is not of the essence here. Although, hearing something familiar, and less shouty, might alleviate our woes.
A suggestion, if I may: why not try out something soothing? Like… Tibetan chant music? Or Enya? Or generic East Asian instrumentals that they seem to play in every spa, regardless of whether the spa is owned and operated by Asians?
If the mall overlords will not allow you to go the soothing route, I have another proposal. There are precisely three good songs on your playlist:
“Oceanic Feeling” by Lorde
“Pierre” by Ryn Weaver. (This one is shouty as well, but the chorus slaps, hence my exceptional approval.)
“New Light” by John Mayer (a much appreciated recent addition).
Why not take these three songs, check their Spotify Radio stations, and compile a playlist as such?
If neither of the aforementioned options are feasible, I have one last suggestion: IF the sound system somehow breaks, or glitches out one day, and we get to enjoy a full hour of silence, I will compensate you with a $5 gift card to La Colombe. For every additional hour, an additional $5 shall be added. (I’ve done the math for you: 3 hours of silence = 1 latte and 1/3 of a croissant.)
I look forward to collaborating with you in the near future.
Regards,
Joséphine
My boyfriend
Dear Scott,
I love you. So much. When we’re apart, there’s nothing in this world that gives me a quicker hit of serotonin than calling you up and hearing the soothing sound of your voice.
Why, oh why, must you ruin my euphoria by creating horrendous background noise on the call? Do you really need to start munching on keto granola two minutes into our conversation? Must you re-organize, and crinkle up papers, whilst we wax poetic about our love?
Is it too much to ask that you sit down, peaceful and still, while we croon to one another over the phone? Perhaps. Especially considering our conversations can last up to an hour. But hear me out: when we started dating, I didn’t sign up for an ASMR / muckbang situation. So please!!! No snacks, no noisy wrappers, and no spring cleaning while we are on the phone.
On the other hand, I WILL continue to interrupt the flow of our phone conversation to notify you that my cat is doing something cute. Also, you shall serve as an unwilling audience to my own personal snack attacks. (Cheese is less noisy than granola, okay?) Relationships are about compromise. I hope you understand.
Thank you, my love.
Your truly,
Joséphine
Bird Outside My Window
Dear bird,
I hope this finds you well.
My understanding of your species, overall, is that your type usually sleeps at night. (Save for owls, whom I know are nocturnal.)
So why do you, little bird, chirp (and therefore keep me awake), between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 AM?
Listen, I’ve deduced that you might be the type that goes against the grain. You’re not like the other birds!!!
Perhaps you studied abroad in Spain and picked up their late-night habits. Unlike a regular Californian bird, you’ve experienced culture! You’ve tasted nightlife! And now, you wish to continue on with that lifestyle back here in Los Angeles.
I deeply respect your individuality. However, if you wish to sing into the late hours of the evening / early hours of morning, may I ask that you please do so in another tree? Preferably one much further away from my window.
I’ll close with one last piece of unwarranted advice: the other birds’ disdain for you will only increase with each reference to your fountain-frolicking weekends in “Bar-thé-lo-nah”. It is in your best interest to keep those anecdotes, along with the late night chirps, to a minimum.
Kindest regards,
Joséphine
Hysterical and so true!