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This edition of Fantasy Phineball is a bit longer than the (planned) norm as it’s two in one: I’m recapping both Draft Day and the first week of play. After another double dispatch next week, we’ll be all caught up to the present point in the season!
If you’re a bit perplexed as to why I’m recapping football (I still am, TBH), you can read the prologue here.
Thanks again for being here. Enjoy!
DRAFT DAY
Our Lady Turnips League draft took place on Wednesday the 8th of September. I had several days heads-up regarding Draft Day and promised myself I would spend time preparing so I didn’t act a fool when the big moment came. Naturally, I procrastinated until the very day of, and suddenly found myself with twelve hours to learn about football and put together a team. Where to start with this behemoth task?
Step One: Collate Advice
Steven and I have been friends since high school; he’s a legend through and through. He iconically won his Fantasy league last year and became the proud owner of the Harambe Memorial Cup. In preparation for joining the Turnip Fantasy league I’d asked for his advice on how to navigate my first Draft Day. He set me up with a spreadsheet he’d sourced from Reddit and very helpfully suggested I do a mock draft so that I could familiarize myself with the Yahoo drafting platform.
Xiang, aka Master X, is a longtime friend from UCSB. He acted as my other trusty pre-draft advisor. I highlight pre-draft because he insisted he FaceTime me during the event to help me with my picks. Xiang is an enthusiast who throws himself into his hobbies like no one I’ve ever seen before. Example: a few years ago he decided he wanted to learn ballroom dance, so he started taking classes five nights a week. Nowadays he’s participating in salsa and tango competitions. When he’s not working or dancing, he’s watching football. Xiang is currently playing in three (!) separate Fantasy leagues this year; if he were invited to a fourth, I’m sure he would have joined.
When I asked him for advice he immediately dove into strategy. “What pick are you?” “What time is your draft?” “Is your league PPR or non-PPR?” I only knew the answer to one of his questions: my draft was at 8 PM.
Step Two: Learn Your League’s Rules and Regulations
Overwhelmed by the draft of it all, and very open to Xiang’s offer for guidance, I checked with Kayla to see if I was allowed to have a live advisor during the event. I could not. Per the rules sent out to the group: “Since we are all noobs at this, you are welcome to get tips and tricks from your boyfriends. When it comes time to pick, [you must] do it on your own so it’s fair for the girls who don’t have boyfriends to help them.” My inner Scorpio immediately clocked the obvious loophole: Xiang was exempt from the boyfriend category. I mulled it over until my conscience silenced the temptation. I realized that if I were to end up victorious at the end of the season, I’d like the satisfaction of knowing I’d done it on my own.
Step Three: Procrastinate / Panic
Instead of utilizing my free time in the afternoon to prepare for the draft, I decided it was a great time to catch up on some cleaning. At 5 PM the kitchen looked spotless; I had no draft picks in mind except for Tom Brady.
Step Four: Knowledge Cram
Fortunately I was able to catch Xiang on the phone two hours before my draft started. Here’s what I gathered and learned:
1) Acronyms! Lots of them:
QB = Quarterback
RB = Running Back
WR = Wide Receiver
Etc, etc...
Some of these position names sounded vaguely sexual to me. I don’t watch porn, but I feel like they could be incorporated into potential titles: “Tight End loves a zaddy!”
PPR = Points Per Reception. Some leagues offer points for this and others don’t.
2) I should NOT pick the quarterback first pick, as they do not give many opportunities for points
Me: “But I really want Tom Brady..”
“Don’t pick a QB until the fifth round!” Xiang snapped.
3) I needed to go for the WR or RB first. There are more of them on the team, therefore they collectively provide more opportunities for points
4) The big names were:
1) Christian McCaffrey aka CMC. He is the star Running Back of the season. If I had the opportunity to pick him I absolutely should.
2) Travis Kelce, a Tight End. Master X said one normally doesn’t pick their TE until a later round, but if I had the chance to draft him in the first round, I absolutely should, because he is a beast.
Xiang is a vessel of knowledge and shared a lot more information with me; the aforementioned is unfortunately all that my brain retained. He ended the call drilling in that I needed to find out whether my league was PPR or non-PPR ASAP, as that would influence who I should be picking.
Afterwards I poked around the Fantasy app and found that my league was half-PPR. The fuck?
Step Five: DRAFT
Suddenly it was 6:30 PM. I didn’t have time to do the mock draft as Steven advised, as I had to work out, shower, and eat dinner before logging on.
I entered the Draft Room at 7:40 and was welcomed with delightful news: I HAD FIRST PICK! I had a plan, and the plan was to grab that Christian dude, as he was at the very top of every single list and spreadsheet that I’d seen that day.
After twenty minutes of printing my reference lists (all PPR positive), reviewing the “good players”, and chatting with the gals, the clock struck 8:00. It was my turn to pick; sixty seconds to choose. There were a million buttons, numbers, and names everywhere - I kicked myself for skipping the mock draft that Steven had so sagely recommended.
I clicked and highlighted CMC’s name on the list. Nothing happened. I clicked, and clicked again. The screen didn’t change. Forty-five seconds to go. I FaceTimed Xiang for help with the interface - he was in dance class. Thirty seconds to go. I panic-called my friend Dhaman, also a Fantasy-er.1 He picked up looking confused and alarmed as I shouted “IT'S MY DRAFT AND I HAVE FIRST PICK WHAT DO I DO?”
Brief pause here - are you familiar with the phenomenon that occurs when something is malfunctioning, but the moment you ask for help, it magically starts working again? Which inevitably leads to you looking, well, stupid as hell? Of course, right as I flipped my FaceTime camera towards the screen, I saw a tiny grey button at the top left labelled “Draft Christian McCaffrey”. Dhaman kindly reassured me that it was the correct button without making me feel like too much of an idiot.
After the pick was complete, I told him that I really wanted Tom Brady. He advised, similarly to Xiang, not to pick a QB until the fifth round or later. He said he had to go as he was in the middle of dinner; I profusely apologized for interrupting and thanked him again for his help.
I was physically sweating following the stress of the first pick. We had a snake draft so I fortunately had a chunk of time to steady my heart rate until my next turn. All was well until I realized the snake draft meant that I now had back-to-back picks. I sort of blacked out during the third pick as it had sprung up on me so unexpectedly. Fortunately after the next round I got into a rhythm; I finished the draft without any further panic or sweat.
All in all, my draft ended up alright! My only major error was picking DJ Montgomery instead of David Montgomery. Offsetting this mistake, I got the number one player: CMC. But most importantly, as Gisele had famously done in 2009, I managed to secure Tom Brady.
Without further ado - my first draft picks:
“Baby, let the games begin.”
- But also, me
WEEK ONE
Confession: I didn’t watch a single game the first week. I was meant to go to Kayla’s house to watch but I was sick with a flu (not Covid, thank goodness). I know what you’re thinking… “but Joséphine, why didn’t you watch at home?” I was staying with Maman and her cable box was broken. I was sad about missing football, but infinitely more crushed when I realized I’d miss the latest Bachelor in Paradise. I know what else you may be thinking… “You know you can watch ‘the game’ on streaming?” YES I know, but none of my current streaming services offer NFL, and I don’t want to pay for another one. I’m committed to this hobby but not that committed.
The good news is that I had very reliable live updates on my team; the Yahoo fantasy app sent me a constant stream of notifications about my boys. Mr. Brady was racking up those 22 promised points, and more, during Thursday night’s game. “You’re doing amazing, sweetie.” I whispered to my phone screen.
On Sunday night Xiang and I reconvened to discuss; I was getting my ass beat in this first matchup. I felt especially salty towards my kicker, who was supposed to bring in NINE points but only produced one. I stared at the app and wondered if Fantasy was yet another realm in which I’d be disappointed by the men I chose.
At this stage there was one last line of hope for me and his name was DARREN WALLER. From my Sunday night chat with Xiang:
My optimism was not in vain. My guy Darren pulled through! Projected to accrue 13.19 points, he ended up with a whopping 21.50…pushing me JUST over the edge for a first week win!
I can’t lie, I LOVED THIS WINNING FEELING. I’d never felt so accomplished in my life after doing… almost nothing! Was this the high that everyone was chasing?
Xiang assured me the victory would have been amplified had I actually been watching the game. I hoped to be better by the weekend so I could watch Week Two with Kayla.
For now, I leave you with a continuation of:
What I Know About American Football (So Far)
Tom Brady is a family mouth kisser. (To clarify my stance, I find this wholly endearing. The dedicated news bit analyzing their behavior cracks me up though.)
Steven shared some gossip that one of the active players from this season is getting investigated for murder?! How is this okay??
Straight Men are obsessed with each other. The fact that the app is sending me notifications about their bodily injuries on a daily basis is proof as such.
Darren Waller is the great grandson of Jazz musician Fats Waller! So cool.
The Raiders are no longer in Oakland. They are in Nevada. Poor babies had to leave the cool bay area breeze and are probably roasting in the desert. At least they can gamble and party on the weekends.
Thanks for reading! I aspire to update you with more tales of victory next week.
x Joséphine
PS - If you have any crucial NFL knowledge or goss that I should know, please feel free to email me!
Do Fantasy football stans have a name? I.e. the Beyhive or Little Monsters? I’ll continue with ‘Fantasy-er’ for now, but there has to be something more catchy out there.
Chris enjoyed me mentioning that you were doing fantasy 😇 😛