Baby’s first Friday post! Let’s do it.
There’s nothing I find more cringe than a lengthy introduction (or any introduction really), but as this story is particularly spicy, a bit of context is due.
I wrote this last June during Singapore’s Covid-related confinement. Socializing was impossible during those ten long weeks, as breaking lockdown rules would inevitably lead to hefty fines. In Asia (unlike the good ol’ USA) rules are rules. Security was ubiquitous in order to ensure all the careful distancing rules were enforced.
In contrast to 99% of Singapore’s population who were stuck at home, delivery riders were busier than ever before, zooming around the empty island from one flat to the next. My friends and I, desperate and lonely, were inspired by their mobility and concocted the perfect plan: we would acquire rider uniforms, allowing us to sneak past security and infiltrate each others’ buildings. I somehow secured the necessary uniform AND the second key element, a bike.
This is where my story ends, and Xiao Ming’s story begins. I thought over how much I liked my savings account, how breaking the law could cost me up to 10K in fines, then proceeded to chicken out, surprising approximately… no one. Amidst the disappointment, my friend jokingly pointed out that the plan had almost sounded like the premise of a porno. I took the idea and rode with it.
Hope you’re hungry. Or horny! Either works.
Bon appétit
Xiao Ming looked up at the bright sun and silently cursed to himself. Another hot day, riding his bike around Singapore, delivering overpriced food; the thankless job of a Deliveroo rider. He could feel the sweat trickling down his strong calves. The map on his phone told him he was nearly at his destination, a small but atas condo building behind Orchard Road.
As he entered the building he indicated to the security guard that he was dropping off food for a Mrs. Chau, floor twelve, unit one. The guard pressed a button and waved him through. As he ascended to the top floor of the building, he looked down at the sizable bag he was holding and guessed the delivery was for a large Chinese family, hankering for local delights. There wasn’t any great authentic food near Orchard road, hence why they likely chose to order from the Lorong 25 restaurant in Geylang where he had picked up the feast.
He rang the doorbell. No answer. Well, delivery was contact free in the age of Covid so he figured if no one answered on the next ring, he could just leave it on the handle. Rang again. Ding dong. He exhaled and lifted the bag to hang it when the door suddenly swung open. A breathless ang moh woman wearing a bathrobe materialised, holding a half glass of rosé and looking as if she had just jumped out of the shower.
“I’m sorry” she smiled apologetically. “I was just taking a bubble bath… didn’t expect you to arrive so quickly!” She had an American accent with a southern lilt which Xiao Ming recognised from watching Sweet Home Alabama too many times as a young boy. Funny, she kind of looked like his childhood crush, Reese Witherspoon, too.
“Oh, no worries” he replied. Then added, unable to hide his confusion “I have an order for a Mrs… Chau?”
“That’s me!” She reached for the bag. As she grabbed it, their fingers touched. Her warm and humid hands were soft. Unable to resist, he glanced up at her face again. She was already looking at him and as they locked eyes, an electric shock ran through his veins.
“Ok… well, enjoy.” She thanked him. He lingered for a moment to look at her once more, then turned to walk back to the lift.
“Wait!”
Xiao Ming turned. She was still there holding the bag in one hand, her rosé in the other. She took a large sip then blurted out “It’s so hot today. Can I offer you a drink?”
This was completely against protocol. Admittedly, he was quite thirsty after riding the past few hours. What the hell, why not. He turned and walked back towards her. “What can I get you sweetheart? Water? Sweet tea?” She paused. “Wine?” Her southern accent was irresistible; he laughed. She continued “Only if you’re not drivin’ though! I don’t want you swervin’ all over the P I E!”
If he was going to break the rules he might as well live it up. “Sure, I’ll have a glass of wine” he replied.
Looking surprised but pleased by his response, she disappeared from the doorframe and moments later, came back clinging to a second glass of rosé. She had topped up her glass as well. When she handed the chilled glass to him, their fingers once again touched. He knew they both felt the electricity this time by the way she looked at him with both hunger, and thirst, in her eyes.
“Cheers” she said softly. They clinked glasses and drank. The wine was tart but refreshing and seemed far too delicious to rush. He wasn’t sure whether to drink it quickly, since he had to get moving, or whether to savour and enjoy it. As if reading his mind, she asked “Do you wanna come in to sit and... enjoy?”
His heart raced. He wondered if he was having a sunstroke induced hallucination. He looked down at his wine, then back up at her. He knew he hadn’t imagined it by the expectant expression in her face.
“Sure” he replied with a polite nod. She opened the door to let him in and he slipped off his shoes. He stepped into the cool, sun lit foyer as she shut the door shut behind him. The mysterious blonde Mrs. Chau led him into the living room as if on a mission, then suddenly paused before they got to the couch. Xiao Ming felt a surge of panic fly through him. Was she second guessing this invitation? Did she have a family? Was the food going to get cold? Why was her surname Chau if she was white and presumably from the southern United States?
She turned around and raised her glass up. Her hand was trembling as she said “Let’s cheers to new, and exciting, experiences.” They touched glasses. He looked at her luscious lips as she downed the rest of her drink in mere seconds. Following her lead, he finished the rest of his as well. She grabbed his glass and set both down on the coffee table. Her hands then moved to her robe, which she swiftly untied and let fall to the ground.
“I ordered prawn mee, but right now, all I want is your thick satay stick.” He had never heard anyone say “satay stick” before with that sweet accent, and was very aroused. She grabbed him - he was already harder than a durian stem. He reached his hands down to her face and kissed her deeply as she started to unfasten him. Their mouths only parted as he lifted the Deliveroo shirt over his head, but reconnected as he worked to shuffle his legs out of his trousers. Freed of his sweaty uniform he took the lead, lifting her up and pressing her into the wall. He ground his hips into hers, their bits only separated by his boxers now. She moaned with pleasure.
“Please... ice my kachang!” she gasped. “And talk dirty to me while you do it.”
This white Mrs. Chau woman was very well versed in local food. Odd, he thought, but he did not have time to ponder it any further as her body now commanded his full attention. He reached down to feel her; she was wetter than a spilled Tiger beer, and exponentially more enticing, even on this sweltering June day.
He gazed down at her body and took it all in. Her perfect pale breasts looked like two large paus, ready to be gobbled up. He lowered his head to kiss each one and then made his way back up to her neck. She grabbed his face with her hand and pulled it away from her neck so they were eye to eye. With a fire burning in her eyes, she leaned up to his ear and whispered “I’m a Deliveroo Plus member, so you better take extra good care of me.” She licked the inside of his ear, making him hotter than the spiciest level of mala.
“Can!” he shouted. The heat of desire and vigour washed over him as he put his hands on her dainty shoulders and swivelled her around to face the wall. He looked down at her tiny waist and plump butt. “Wah, ima taupau that ass.”
He entered her… and had the shiokest lay of his life.
As Xiao Ming biked to pick up his next order from KFC (three mozzarella zinger double downs) he felt too giddy to even judge the Tom Deakin who had ordered them. He was mentally in heaven, thinking back on the mysterious Mrs. Chau and her moves between the sheets, smoother than laksa and spicy to match.
He hopped off his bike and approached KFC where they told him the order wasn’t ready yet. Thanks to his speedy biking, he always managed to arrive early and deliver a little early. However, back in Mrs. Chau’s sunlit flat, he used all his endurance to last long and please her, until he finally allowed himself to come; right on time.